Thursday, December 31, 2009
1) I want to forget all the times I said yes when I should have said NO!
2) I want to wash away the whiney kid voices sassing me.
3) I want to get rid of my poor body image.
4) I want to stop feeling like good enough is not good enough.
5)I need to remove my sad feelings of having my youngest start kindergarten.
6) I need to erase my feeling of abandonment when Chris has to travel for work.
7) I need to remember that sometimes people want to do things for me simply because they like me not because someone is holding a gun to their head.
8) I will drop the constant, futile attempt to keep up and fit in.
Well, there it is...I've said it...now, out with 2009 and bring on 2010!
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
*After dragging out 6 decoration boxes laden with memories of Christmas past I quickly picked 2 things out of each box then dragged them all back to the basement where they will sit untouched for another year.
*Instead of pouring over cookbooks and planning the holiday meals this year I am focusing on what is really important: the wine list and the dessert.
* I am relishing in the fact that my two older girls are having a really hard time finding anything to put on their Christmas lists. They are much more interested in shopping for the foster kids we are sponsoring this year and even want to help pay for the toys on their lists.
*In an effort to stop myself from eating all the treats laying around I gulped some hot cocoa and bunt my taste buds. Too bad I decided that I could remember well enough what everything tastes like so I would just go ahead and eat them anyway.
*The girls and I have found a nifty alternative use for the Advent calendar this December! We are using it to keep track of all the days Chris is traveling between now and Christmas.
*I caught Amelia screaming at the classic Rudolph on the TV. She was telling the Burl Ives snowman how annoying he was and informing him that he better get off the screen as she fast forwarded.
*I am pretty sure that the girls special elves that come to visit every year are following me around this year. I hope they haven't seen or heard anything that they shouldn't!
*I am having a major stand off with Mother Nature. She wants the cold, snow and ice to come and I refuse to acknowledge it...I continue to get up at 6:30 and run most mornings. Hopefully she won't teach me a lesson by making me fall!
*Chris has set up his usual elaborate Christmas train display. The cats are enjoying lounging around the town and chewing on the wires and the little people. It is like they think he set it up just for them.
*Sorry this letter didn't make it inside the Christmas cards...it might have if I hadn't let my 5 year old seal, stamp and put labels on all the cards. At least it entertained her for an hour. Unfortunately it took me an hour to go back and peel the stamps and labels on and straighten them out.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I started my blog on a whim during this year and it has become a friend and confidant for me. It lets me vent one day and express my feelings the next. Writing has become an important part of my daily life again and I love feeling the sense of accomplishment when I can convey my thoughts. I enjoy the conversations I have with my sister while we debate and decide on new and interesting blog topics. She and my friend Heidi are my sounding boards and I appreciate and trust their opinions and ideas.
I also found a new addiction this year. Running. At first I thought that training for my first 1/2 marathon would be about becoming more physically aware but I have learned it is about so much more. It has made me realize that I have the ability to conquer whatever goal I set my mind too. I have also found something that doesn't come along too often after you hit your 30's...new friends. Don't get me wrong the physical differences are great but the honest truth is the other things I have found are more important to me.
This year has also given me a chance to face some of my old demons from childhood through my middle daughter. She is so much like I was when I was her age it is almost eerie She looks like I looked at her age and has the same sort of quirks that I did. The frustration I feel when trying to make sure that she doesn't feel the hurt I felt has been hard to deal with. I want to take it from her so she doesn't have to find her way through the anxiety. I am beginning to realize the only way she can overcome the fears is to face them head on. I can not relive the things that I have already faced any more then she can skip over the road blocks set out in front of her.
Another challenge has been realizing that sometimes people's problems just can't be fixed in one foul swoop. Sometimes they can't be fixed at all and as much as I hope for it and try to make it happen it may never be able to come true. Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away. That can be the best thing for everyone involved. Even if you still care and want the best for them sometimes you just can't continue to be a part of their life.
The most important thing I think I have concluded in the last 12 months is that humor in the face of sadness and adversity makes those hard to handle things a little less intense and a little more able to digest. If you can't see the humor in yourself and your life how can anyone else?
When I am all gray and wrinkled, telling this chapter of my story I will remember this year as important and endearing. One that made me think and made me cry. Mostly though I will remember the laughter and the friendship. I hope that my 38th year will be as memorable. I have a feeling it will since I am starting the first day by running 13.1 miles in my first 1/2 marathon along side some of my favorite people!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
As much as this day holds picture perfect memories for me that isn't the case for my friend, Suzanne. October 13 is a day that she would rather forget, a day that can never be erased. It is a day all her waves came crashing down. On October 13, 2005 her precious son, Austin, lost his battle with Spinal Muscle Atrophy(SMA). He was four. For her the day certainly holds a deeper sorrow then I have ever known. I can only imagine how hard that day was and how much courage it must have taken to continue to go on afterward. I did not know her then but I feel our paths crossed recently for some greater good in both of our lives. I feel a connection for Suzanne a lot like I did for Olivia when she was born. We seem to really understand each other.
When I get out of bed today I will spend my time thinking about the great joy of that day nine years ago. What I was doing as each hour hits and how my anticipation and excitement built leading up to Olivia's arrival. I will remember the happy barrage of visitors and the many well wishes. I will be able to hug Olivia and tell her I love her today. When Suzanne wakes up today her thoughts will be in stark contrast to mine. She will remember each minute of that day too but with reluctance and heaviness. Please take a moment to check out this site to learn about Spinal Muscular Atrophy and the research that is being done to eradicate it. Also check this site out to join in with me and my running group which includes Suzanne on a walk/run on November 15 to benefit SMA research.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I could never have hidden in the locked bathroom more then once(or twice) this week so I could play on my phone in peace. I certainly didn't sit on the edge of the tub in only a towel so I wasn't technically lying when I kept saying that I was getting dressed to my five year old when she knocked every 2 minutes.
My five year old certainly did NOT choose to wear fashionable shoes over comfortable ones for a walkathon at school and she absolutely could never have gotten bleeding blisters because of it.
I didn't roll over in bed and tell my kid to go get herself a bowl of cereal just so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes...nope not me!
My five year old could not be SO obsessed by Halloween that she went through the costume catalog and circled possible costumes and x'd out ones she didn't like. She could never have called me over while she was looking at the catalog and said in horror "LOOK Mom! Little Red Riding Hood stole Dorothy's ruby slippers" that would have been too funny!
I certainly didn't go to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese over the weekend and feel my blood pressure rise when the guy dressed up as the mouse came out and started hugging everyone...no way would a 37 year old woman feel that way!
I would never attend a school carnival and sit and socialize with everyone I usually try to avoid. I certainly didn't dress up in something cute to go and I could never have spent extra time on my hair and make up..nope NOT me!
There is no way we got a family picture taken for the very first time EVER and my friend of 30+ years certainly didn't' take them for us. We could never have all worn white shirts for the pictures and by the end of the day the shirts surely could not have been stained beyond recognition.
I didn't have to dig through the crumbs on the bottom of my purse for quarters so I could feed my new Starbucks iced tea addiction more then a few times this week ..nope not ME!
I could never have felt my heart break a little when I heard Patrick Swayze died and I certainly didn't start singing Dirty Dancing songs in my head..absolutely not!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
My five year old certainly did NOT take her bike for a ride without asking and go knocking on neighbors doors telling her friends to come for a sleepover. She absolutely did not get in huge trouble and have to go apologize.
I definitely did not run 15 whole miles. I could never have run the whole way imagining all the food that I would eat..nope that would have been counter productive.
I could never have finally gotten my diamond anniversary band back from the jeweler after a month and I certainly didn't spend the rest of the day staring at it sparkle in the sunlight.
I could never have gone to a volleyball game and two soccer games all in one day and all three teams certainly didn't lose.
There is no way we got new wood floors on the first floor of our house and it is impossible that I found a few mistakes. I could never have pointed out the mistakes to Chris and then gone and hid in my car so he could deal with the floor guys because I can't deal with confrontation..no way that would have been immature and silly.
I did NOT have a blog follower drop me after I posted my opinion of the whole Obama speaking in the schools thing...no way that people could be that narrow minded. I could never have felt horrible about her dropping me even though I don't really agree with much of what she says anyway.
We could never have run totally out of toilet paper and have to move on to tissues and I certainly didn't get tell the girls to only use half so we could make it one more day before I had to go to the store...nope that would have been lazy and unmotherly.
I haven't had insomnia over the last week thinking about 9/11 and remembering all the details of that day and I certainly haven't woken in a cold sweat in a panic ...nope not ME!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I have such a bee in my bonnet today (is that even a real phrase??). Obama is going to make a speech to students addressing education specifically the importance of staying in school. A speech about education. Shown at school. To students. I say great...history in the making and exposure to political impact on education. Regardless of what political party I belong to or who I voted for I would be all for it. I like my kids to see different views and diverse people. I want them to have information and make up their own minds when they are old enough to vote. I really don't understand all I am seeing about pulling your kid out of school so they don't have to be forced to sit and watch Obama pushing propaganda and talking about abortion and religion. OK number one the speech is on EDUCATION. That is separate from abortion and religion as far as I know. Obama is not Hitler as far as I know. I just don't' get the parents that are taking their anger and aggression about the fact that Obama was elected president and turning it into a reason to stop their children from being able to be a part of something that will open the door for discussion. He is the President of the United States not the President of the Democrats. Our country elected him. Isn't anything that gives face-time to the importance of education a good thing?? Diversity makes the world go round folks and prejudice stops it in its tracks.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Too often lately I have felt like I am juggling so many hats in the air trying to decide which one to put on that I can't even see straight. I want to be the best mom I can be and the best friend and the best athlete and the best wife and on and on but in the midst of trying to be all of these things I don't think I am doing my best at any of them. My focus is fragmented and everything seems blurry and my mind flips from one thing to another. It is what I imagine having attention deficient disorder might be like. The other thing that is starting to frustrate me about myself is that if I don't feel like I am doing something to a state of completeness and flawlessness then I would rather not do it at all. So basically at this point I am living in a state of discord with myself. The side effect of this seems to be the thing that is bothering me the most. I can't praise my kids without also throwing in something they need to improve on...it is like a sickness or something. My mouth opens and I gush words of praise but they are immediately cancelled out by words of what could be done better. This is obviously not my ideal parenting strategy. I want to breed confidence and independence. How do I pick the right hat and regain my focus?
Friday, August 28, 2009
At this point in my life I am so lucky to be surrounded by people that I enjoy and respect. People I can laugh with and cry with. The stories of how and when I crossed paths with each person are unique and varied. Some I have known for years. Some are more recent gifts. My relationship with each of them started when our lives intersected. Whatever happened before we met fades into the backround and it is easy to forget that there are details and adventures that were previously experienced. Sometimes these things are revealed through time and bring new facets to the friendship. Other times the details never surface and end up on the chopping block of unimportant facts. Everyone enters a relationship with baggage. Some only have light carry ons that are easy to manage. Other people have a large oversized suitcase full to the brim with intricate secrets and extreme adventures. It is what it is and makes us who we are. Opening your arms and accepting someone into your life, baggage and all, brings the sort of friendships that will be worth cultivating and cherishing forever.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
I could never have traveled 12 hours straight in a van with 3 kids and my husband with out going crazy nope not me.
I did NOT arrive home to two piles of cat poop on my bed directly where I sleep. That would have been super gross and it also would have proven that cats are way too smart for their own good.
I certainly didn't take the girls to Walmart to check out the new Miley Cyrus clothes the weekend before school starts. It was NOT so crowded you could hardly move and I didn't run into two people I know doing the same thing as me...nope certainly not!
I could never be sitting here waiting to take my baby to meet her kindergarten teacher and be hearing every bad word she knows streaming out of her mouth from the other room (you know like pee pee poop and booger :) I could NOT be slightly (OK VERY) worried about what she will do when we meet the teacher and I am certainly not even more worried about what she will do when the door to the bus closes Thursday.
I am definitely not having major anxiety over the school year starting that would be silly since I am not the one actually going to school.
I am certainly NOT brushing off my party dress and digging out my party blower for Thursday morning when I send all three kids on the bus for the very first time..nope not ME. I am sure I will NOT have a few tissues hidden away in my pocket just in case I might need them absolutely not!