Grinched

My daughter's newest favorite book is How the Grinch Stole Christmas. She wants me to read it over and over to her night after night. I realized this weekend, as the calendar hit the first of November, that I feel a great kinship with the Grinch. I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach about the holidays. As much as I hope I can push past the stress of the in-law get togethers and all the planning to get to the magic I never seem to be able too. As a kid I remember all the fun stuff. The glittery magic of Santa and the many traditions of the season. The thing that I have realized is that that is what we as parents want the kids to remember from their childhood. We don't want them to shoulder the family drama or the monetary problems. We need them to see only the warm fires and the pretty packages. We want them to bake cookies without thinking of the calories. We want them to say what they are thankful for around the holiday table without reservations or maybes. We need them to be innocent and gullible because that is what the best memories are made of. They have plenty of time to realize that there is always something more going on behind the curtain. For now I want to try and push aside the heaviness of trying to pull the wool over their eyes and recapture the magic. I want my heart to grow a few sizes and I want to remember what it is like to enjoy the season.

Pity, Party of One

The glass just can not get half full around here lately. Sickness is abound. School conferences are coming my way not to mention the dreaded holidays. Chris is traveling. A lot. I can't seem to catch a break. Just when I think there might be an upswing something else manages to happen. I keep trying to tell myself that there are way worse things that people are dealing with in life. That my problems are a mere drop in the bucket and I should get over it and make the best of all that is good. Unfortunately in my everyday world and my life the things that get me down are what I am facing. To me those things are what I have to figure out and deal with. Although my struggles might be considered simple to those who face bigger things to me they seem as mountainous. I look at the horrible things out there that I read or see on TV and I feel compassion and I hope for good things for all those people. Still though the fact that others face larger obstacles does not make the challenges I face feel smaller or less significant to me. Thanks for joining me at my little party glad you could come and hear rationalization at its finest.

Different Makes the World Go Round

When I started college many moons ago I bounced around from major to major. At first thinking about speech therapy then moving on to nursing and eventually settling on special education (which I think is now called something else but since my diploma says that I will go with it). Through all of the choosing the only thing that stayed the same was that I wanted to help people in some way. When I settled on special ed. I took a lot of courses introducing me to all sorts of different types of people with varying alternative needs (as I like to say). Everything from babies and preschoolers to adults in group homes. Some of it was shocking and most all of it was heart wrenching. I know that coming into someones life after the difference is noticed and identified makes that a part of who they are. When I met my students they were labeled and had plans already in place to address their needs. The difference is that whatever challenges they had weren't really decipherable from who they were ...it was all blended into just them. What I am coming to find out is that if you already know and love someone before the difference is identified I think it might be harder to accept or understand. You try to have a clear vision and listen to the experts but through the jumble of terms all you really see is the person the same way you did before. This can be good and bad. Good because they are the same person, just with a new dimension added into the complexity of their personality. Bad because it makes you realize that there is no such thing as perfect or easy. Nothing is tied up neatly with a bow. More like wrapped in used Sunday comics and tied with an old piece of twine. Luckily perspective is a friend in all of this. From some angles all the differences glare but from others they are starting to meld together.

Mommy Mask

No matter how hard I try to be the kind of mom you see on TV and in books I just can't get there. I feel like an impostor, someone who is going through the motions but just doesn't have their head in the game. Half the time I look in the mirror and am shocked at what I see. I could never be a 38 year old mother of 3 when I still feel 15 inside. No matter how hard I try I can't figure out where all the room moms and volunteers get their motivation. I hide from that. I break out in a cold sweat when I even think about having to be in charge of a party or an event. Some would say being a good mom is having total focus on your children but I feel like that is wrong. How can you forfeit yourself as a person to focus on your children? It is important to nourish your relationships and interests so that you can be a happy person and in turn a happy mother. When I hear moms brag about never spending time alone with their husbands because that would mean diverting attention from their children it makes my skin crawl. Children can't learn to have a healthy relationship without seeing one with their own eyes. Being a good mom doesn't always mean being the top dog of the school or the cookie mom for girl scouts. Sometimes being the best mom starts with being a happy mom who doesn't have to hide behind a mask at all.

Bubble Wrap Extraordinaire

From the very beginning I have done all I could to protect my kids from the evils of the world. I don't want them to be cold or hungry. I certainly don't want them to face illness or injury. I don't want them to be bullied or have hurt feelings. But I realized today that there is only so much you can do to protect them. You can not wrap them in bubble wrap or lock them in the house. You can't be there 24 hours a day to make sure they are ok and you definitely can't follow them around with a bottle of lysol. All this flu talk has everyone on edge and it has certainly made me take notice. I have thought about it and I think that spending hours worrying and agonizing about the what ifs will make you miss out on the for sure happening right nows. I won't keep my kids home from party's or the mall to avoid possible germs. I can't stand at school and make sure they wash their hands ten times a day. The whole thing seems similar to when your kids learn to ride without training wheels. You have to trust that they will pedal and steer. You have to let them experience the skinned knees and bruises so that they are tougher and more persistent. You have armed them with a helmet and taught them to balance. Besides imagine how miserable they would be trapped inside a bubble with no human contact. They would miss the thrill of the first day of school, they would never have that first homecoming dance or enjoy their first kiss. Sometimes it is hard to remember that you have to take the bad with the good but the good is just so worth the risk.

A Birthday Like No Other.

We trained. We bonded. We ran. We finished! What a happy Birthday!

Celebrating Introspection

Some day when I am telling my grand kids the story of my life I will certainly make this year an epic chapter. My 37th year has been full of lots of self discovery and new enjoyments. I have unearthed some old friends and discovered some brand new ones. I have thrown caution to the wind over and over, constantly widening my comfort zone.
I started my blog on a whim during this year and it has become a friend and confidant for me. It lets me vent one day and express my feelings the next. Writing has become an important part of my daily life again and I love feeling the sense of accomplishment when I can convey my thoughts. I enjoy the conversations I have with my sister while we debate and decide on new and interesting blog topics. She and my friend Heidi are my sounding boards and I appreciate and trust their opinions and ideas.
I also found a new addiction this year. Running. At first I thought that training for my first 1/2 marathon would be about becoming more physically aware but I have learned it is about so much more. It has made me realize that I have the ability to conquer whatever goal I set my mind too. I have also found something that doesn't come along too often after you hit your 30's...new friends. Don't get me wrong the physical differences are great but the honest truth is the other things I have found are more important to me.
This year has also given me a chance to face some of my old demons from childhood through my middle daughter. She is so much like I was when I was her age it is almost eerie She looks like I looked at her age and has the same sort of quirks that I did. The frustration I feel when trying to make sure that she doesn't feel the hurt I felt has been hard to deal with. I want to take it from her so she doesn't have to find her way through the anxiety. I am beginning to realize the only way she can overcome the fears is to face them head on. I can not relive the things that I have already faced any more then she can skip over the road blocks set out in front of her.
Another challenge has been realizing that sometimes people's problems just can't be fixed in one foul swoop. Sometimes they can't be fixed at all and as much as I hope for it and try to make it happen it may never be able to come true. Sometimes the only thing you can do is walk away. That can be the best thing for everyone involved. Even if you still care and want the best for them sometimes you just can't continue to be a part of their life.
The most important thing I think I have concluded in the last 12 months is that humor in the face of sadness and adversity makes those hard to handle things a little less intense and a little more able to digest. If you can't see the humor in yourself and your life how can anyone else?
When I am all gray and wrinkled, telling this chapter of my story I will remember this year as important and endearing. One that made me think and made me cry. Mostly though I will remember the laughter and the friendship. I hope that my 38th year will be as memorable. I have a feeling it will since I am starting the first day by running 13.1 miles in my first 1/2 marathon along side some of my favorite people!