Not Me Monday!

Joining in with My Charming Kids and the blog carnival Not Me Monday!

I certainly didn't almost NOT write a Not Me Monday today because my week has consisted of whooping cough, running in the freezing rain and learning disabilities and I really do NOT find much humor in any of those things. REALLY.

My husband could never have been staring at my chest and I didn't ask him why...he certainly didn't answer I think your boobs are getting smaller with a big frown. I didn't jump up and down and cheer about someone thinking my boobs looked smaller that would have been silly.

I could never have run 12 miles then sat through a volleyball game and then a soccer game and then another soccer game...nope not me. I certainly didn't look at my watch and think CRAP it is 5 o'clock already, my Saturday is GONE!

We didn't go to a party where I planned to have 1 or 2 glasses of wine but ended up having considerably more because the hostess was a little too good and kept refilling every time I took a sip..no way! I certainly didn't drunk text with my sister when I got home from the party and there is no way I IM'd with a friend and totally erased it from my memory....that would be just so juvenile.

I didn't run a 5K in the POURING rain and I certainly didn't strip my dripping wet shirt off in the parking lot in front of a bunch of people to put on a dry shirt, that would be way too scary a sight.

Life Is Unfair....Or Is It??

Sometimes I sit and watch my three girls and observe the differences in their personalities. They are all three such individuals with such unique characters. I often try to get a glimpse into what type of path each one will choose to take in life. Then I start to wonder if the path actually chooses you. Why is one child born knowing how to slide through life easily with no snags while another faces challenge after challenge struggling at every turn? Some kids learn to read and write with little direction as if it was just instinctual. Some kids are automatic people magnets and can mesh with anyone in any situation. Other kids seem to have to fight to stay above water. Academics present as much of a challenge as social situations. I wonder if not being able to sail smoothly is preparing them for something that they will face later on down the road. Maybe they are destined for something that is not easily found. Something that takes practice with patience that they learn as they endure all the struggles of their early demons. Something that seems so unfair now might actually be preparing them for eventual greatness.

The Fall of the Easter Bunny the Tooth Fairy and Even the Jolly Old Guy

Yesterday I read a little blurb that mentioned something about the Easter Bunny and didn't think a thing about it but when I fell asleep I had one of those memory dreams. The kind of dream that comes from something so monumental in your life that each instant is recreated exactly the way it happened. My dream started out with my family traveling in our rustic (aka rusty) old green VW van to Arkansas to visit my Grandparents. I think it was the Spring of 1981 ...so I would have been 9 and a half. We used to take the middle seats out of the van and put sleeping bags on the floor so we could sleep during the 15 hour trip. This was before car seats and seat belts were the norm. My brother who would have been 12 at the time sat on the back seat and my little sister who was around 5 and I laid on the sleeping bags on the floor. My mom had tons of shopping bags suitcases squeezed in around us and I remember wondering what might be in the bags. Once everyone was asleep I began to peek in some of the bags. At first I wasn't sure what I saw was really what it seemed to be so I kept digging. I had come upon our Easter baskets and all of the goodies that were to go inside including the bright pink grass and the sickly sweet jelly beans. It took a few minutes to sink in as I laid there in disbelief. I tried to rationalize it all to myself that maybe the Easter Bunny had packed it up and left it for my mom to bring on the trip but eventually the reality hit me like a landslide. The magic of the Bunny faded to almost nothing. I didn't say a word about it and still haven't to my parents. I played along but inside my head I kept thinking what a joke. It took me only a few more minutes to realize that if the Easter bunny was a lie then the Tooth Fairy had to be one too. The hardest one to reconcile in my kid sized brain was Santa. He just had to be real. He was so magical and jovial. How could my parents fake me out for almost 10 years?? In the end I decided to pretend to believe so I could still receive. I ended up receiving more then I bargained for. I really do still feel the magic of the characters. Even now I don't know for sure my parents realize that I don't still think the Easter Bunny hops in and fills the baskets or that dear old Saint Nick slides down the chimney on Christmas Eve. I just assume they do since I am now the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa to my own children. My eleven year old hasn't said a word to me. I have gotten a few winks when the Tooth Fairy occasionally forgets to show up and she tells her younger sister's with a twinkle in her eye that I sometimes help the Easter Bunny and Santa. I think she knows the adult truth but is choosing to keep the magic alive for her sister's for as long as possible. Her glass is still full of childhood wonderment . Don't we all need a little more magic in our lives??

Pay No Attention to the Crazy Lady Behind the Curtain

I am having one of those parental conundrums and I feel like the joke is on me. It is like I can't step up to the plate and make the choices I need to make. I keep trying to get there but I keep slipping and falling in the mud. Inside my brain I still feel like I am the kid and not the parent. I want to hide in the corner and let the real adult take over. Instead here I am covered in mud and trying make decisions that will affect my children now and for the rest of their lives. One slip and I might end up with a bank robber or a hooker in the making. Obviously I am exaggerating a tiny bit but the reality is that the choices seem just that crucial. Maybe I should just fall back on all that training I received before I had children to assure that I would be a good parent. That test I had to take to get that license to prove I could parent with the best of them. OHHH that is right, parents don't need a license like fisherman do to catch FISH and real estate agents need to sell HOUSES. You give birth to a HUMAN BEING and two days later you get sent home to practice fly by the seat of your pants parenting..making it up as you go relying on our own perceptions other then a predetermined plan. The poor first kid is the voodoo doll that you practice with all your unsolicited tips as needles and if they survive and come out unscathed you might consider having a second child. Unfortunately each little voodoo doll is made of a unique material and the same needles that worked on your first certainly won't be as effective on your second or subsequent children. Sometimes all you can do is throw caution to the wind and learn from your mistakes. Luckily kids are much more resilient then their parents.

Not Me Monday!

Following along with the blog carnival over at My Charming Kids! Join in the fun!

I could never have hidden in the locked bathroom more then once(or twice) this week so I could play on my phone in peace. I certainly didn't sit on the edge of the tub in only a towel so I wasn't technically lying when I kept saying that I was getting dressed to my five year old when she knocked every 2 minutes.

My five year old certainly did NOT choose to wear fashionable shoes over comfortable ones for a walkathon at school and she absolutely could never have gotten bleeding blisters because of it.

I did not consider running 7 miles easy because that would be utterly ridiculous and I didn't regret thinking that when I was limping around afterward.

I didn't roll over in bed and tell my kid to go get herself a bowl of cereal just so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes...nope not me!

My five year old could not be SO obsessed by Halloween that she went through the costume catalog and circled possible costumes and x'd out ones she didn't like. She could never have called me over while she was looking at the catalog and said in horror "LOOK Mom! Little Red Riding Hood stole Dorothy's ruby slippers" that would have been too funny!

I certainly didn't go to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese over the weekend and feel my blood pressure rise when the guy dressed up as the mouse came out and started hugging everyone...no way would a 37 year old woman feel that way!

I would never attend a school carnival and sit and socialize with everyone I usually try to avoid. I certainly didn't dress up in something cute to go and I could never have spent extra time on my hair and make up..nope NOT me!

There is no way we got a family picture taken for the very first time EVER and my friend of 30+ years certainly didn't' take them for us. We could never have all worn white shirts for the pictures and by the end of the day the shirts surely could not have been stained beyond recognition.

I didn't have to dig through the crumbs on the bottom of my purse for quarters so I could feed my new Starbucks iced tea addiction more then a few times this week ..nope not ME!

I could never have felt my heart break a little when I heard Patrick Swayze died and I certainly didn't start singing Dirty Dancing songs in my head..absolutely not!

Remembering

I choose today to remember that life can change in a split second. Today six years ago it almost did. My nephew was born after a fairly normal pregnancy into a traumatic first few days of life. While our focus was on him my sister's condition also became extremely dire. We almost lost both of them. Our lives almost changed then for the worse. Instead things stopped free falling into disaster and improved and life went on as it was intended. That day is left behind as nothing more then a small blip on our lives, a story for him to tell his own children. Owen is now a happy, healthy energetic boy who loves Lego and Star Wars. He has no memory of that day and what could have been. How narrowly he escaped a whole different kind of existence on this earth. I choose to take this day every year to remember to live each day to its fullest and to cherish each memory. To not put off what I can do today until tomorrow because tomorrow might never come. To tell those I love how I feel so they hear the words. I love you Abby and Owen. Have a happy birthday!


September 2003
September 2009

The Chosen One

Let me preface this by saying that I love all three of my children to the depth of my soul and center of my being. They are all three beautiful, intelligent and special.

You know how it is as kids grown into new ages and stages and there are some you like better then others?? I have to say that if I was asked at any given moment who my favorite child is there might be a different answer. Sometimes I think Amelia is just the cutest most adorable smartest 5 year old. Other times I find her voice to be like nails on a chalk board and her shrill laugh sounds like the Devil himself. Sometimes I find Olivia's sensitive unique outlook to be an endearing quality. Other times I want to cover my ears so I can't hear the whining and crying and go running in the opposite direction. Sometimes I think Caroline's need to describe every single minute of her day to be cute and grown up . Other times the incessant jabbering makes me want to saw my ears off. I guess what I am trying to say is I have favorite parts of each of their personalities and when they are letting that part shine through then they are by far the chosen one. That might last a minute or a day or even a week but eventually they will fall away from the spotlight and another sister will pop in. Each enjoys their reign as queen. I think this is the quintessential lesson in sharing..don't you?

Not Me Monday!

Joining in with Mckmama over at My Charming Kids with Not ME Monday! Come along for the ride!

My five year old certainly did NOT take her bike for a ride without asking and go knocking on neighbors doors telling her friends to come for a sleepover. She absolutely did not get in huge trouble and have to go apologize.

I definitely did not run 15 whole miles. I could never have run the whole way imagining all the food that I would eat..nope that would have been counter productive.

I could never have finally gotten my diamond anniversary band back from the jeweler after a month and I certainly didn't spend the rest of the day staring at it sparkle in the sunlight.

I could never have gone to a volleyball game and two soccer games all in one day and all three teams certainly didn't lose.

There is no way we got new wood floors on the first floor of our house and it is impossible that I found a few mistakes. I could never have pointed out the mistakes to Chris and then gone and hid in my car so he could deal with the floor guys because I can't deal with confrontation..no way that would have been immature and silly.

I did NOT have a blog follower drop me after I posted my opinion of the whole Obama speaking in the schools thing...no way that people could be that narrow minded. I could never have felt horrible about her dropping me even though I don't really agree with much of what she says anyway.

We could never have run totally out of toilet paper and have to move on to tissues and I certainly didn't get tell the girls to only use half so we could make it one more day before I had to go to the store...nope that would have been lazy and unmotherly.

I haven't had insomnia over the last week thinking about 9/11 and remembering all the details of that day and I certainly haven't woken in a cold sweat in a panic ...nope not ME!

9/11

Every year during this second week of September a dark shadow creeps into my heart. The sounds of planes overhead brings a shiver to my spine and my thoughts drift back to eight years ago. The sheer panic and immediate pain we as a nation felt was so profound and enveloping it hard to remember that there was a carefree time before. I remember the exact moment on that day that I knew nothing would ever be the same. I was holding my 11 month old and trying to get my 3 year old ready for her very first day of preschool. The phone rang and my dad told me to turn on the TV. At that second in time the loud chaos around me turned to a whirring and I had to sit down. It wasn't clear yet exactly what was happening or why but it was clear it was tragic and life changing. As the morning went on and the rest of the horrific reality unfolded in front of the world it was quite clear that this was not just a horrible accident but a purposeful act of a despicable group of people. In the days and months that followed that terrible day my thoughts turned to the people left behind that had to live the rest of their lives impacted by those acts. I can't imagine their pain but what seems to surprise me more is their courage. Many have used their own loss to make our nation a better place. Around this time of year I think it is so important for all of us to come together and show unity and strength. We must all support each other and not split apart and fight among ourselves. Weakness and uncertainty are what those secretly watching wanted and hoped for eight years ago. Instead we came together and made it through the crisis and came out the other side a more compassionate unified nation.

The Journey of a Pack Rat

For me inanimate objects represent memories of real life. Seeing a certain dress might bring back a fun time with friends. Drinking from a favorite mug and closing my eyes returns me to another place from years ago. With the memory comes feelings and emotions. Cleaning out a closet becomes a dreaded task because of all the memories lying in the piles of threadbare fabrics. The same 3 or 4 items make the cut every time I try to get past my pack rat tendencies. Even our newest project of taking out our old stained carpet and replacing it with fantastic new wood floors is giving me heart palpitations. Each stain and hole represents a family dinner or a beloved pet. The bright pink marker spot was like a thorn in my side reminding me every time I walked past of the time the girls got out of hand with the markers. Seeing the carpet disappear out the door made me realize that I now have no tangible thing to spur that memory or many others. The fresh, perfect wood will surely capture our memories in the future but for the moment it feels like a new member of the family naked as the day it was born.

Embrace the Future

If you are a planner then you have a spreadsheet in your mind for what the future is supposed be. Sometimes things fit neatly into the plan but most of the time life veers off the blueprint and things spin out of control. The new path is often necessary to gain the knowledge to help you find your true future. When you push past what the crystal ball predicted to the reality staring you in the face you realize that there are no predetermined events in the cosmos. The most important thing to remember is that the real future could be more awe-inspiring and exciting then you could even imagine.

On My Soap Box

I have such a bee in my bonnet today (is that even a real phrase??). Obama is going to make a speech to students addressing education specifically the importance of staying in school. A speech about education. Shown at school. To students. I say great...history in the making and exposure to political impact on education. Regardless of what political party I belong to or who I voted for I would be all for it. I like my kids to see different views and diverse people. I want them to have information and make up their own minds when they are old enough to vote. I really don't understand all I am seeing about pulling your kid out of school so they don't have to be forced to sit and watch Obama pushing propaganda and talking about abortion and religion. OK number one the speech is on EDUCATION. That is separate from abortion and religion as far as I know. Obama is not Hitler as far as I know. I just don't' get the parents that are taking their anger and aggression about the fact that Obama was elected president and turning it into a reason to stop their children from being able to be a part of something that will open the door for discussion. He is the President of the United States not the President of the Democrats. Our country elected him. Isn't anything that gives face-time to the importance of education a good thing?? Diversity makes the world go round folks and prejudice stops it in its tracks.

Focusing on Distraction

Too often lately I have felt like I am juggling so many hats in the air trying to decide which one to put on that I can't even see straight. I want to be the best mom I can be and the best friend and the best athlete and the best wife and on and on but in the midst of trying to be all of these things I don't think I am doing my best at any of them. My focus is fragmented and everything seems blurry and my mind flips from one thing to another. It is what I imagine having attention deficient disorder might be like. The other thing that is starting to frustrate me about myself is that if I don't feel like I am doing something to a state of completeness and flawlessness then I would rather not do it at all. So basically at this point I am living in a state of discord with myself. The side effect of this seems to be the thing that is bothering me the most. I can't praise my kids without also throwing in something they need to improve on...it is like a sickness or something. My mouth opens and I gush words of praise but they are immediately cancelled out by words of what could be done better. This is obviously not my ideal parenting strategy. I want to breed confidence and independence. How do I pick the right hat and regain my focus?