It's the subtle changes that creep in that are the hardest for me. Those big slap in the face changes.. well those suck horribly in their own way. They are shocking and immediately cause a physical reaction. They have to be addressed head on. Acknowledged and accepted. But the soft whispering changes that drift in over days and weeks and months those are the worst. The ones you don't see until they have happened. The ones that begin so quietly and spread as slowly as a shadow fading during sunset.
Change helps you grow they say. I want to believe that. But I'm not sure I do. My heart doesn't want to adapt to the loss of what used to be and embrace what is now. It is like accepting is somehow discounting that the past is real. I liked the flowers and the chocolate like any girl does. But I loved the talking for hours and the naming our nonexistent children and the conquer the world together because no one else matters feeling.
The beginning is easy. It is all ahead of you . Excitement and the unknown. The hard part comes later when the changes have snuck in between the years. In between each other. They knock you out of balance and leave you looking up for answers. They sap your energy and your ability to play I-am-rubber-you-are-glue with indifference. Those changes that seep in every little crevice and tiny crack take over the relationship like some sort of exorcist.
Reaching deep to find the power to step past. Learning to find a way to remember and recapture. Finding the next hill on the coaster to climb. My plan. My hope. My heart.
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