Just Me.

I spent the entire summer preparing my baby for Kindergarten. We talked about the bus and found a new lunch box and backpack. We toured the school and met her teacher. I primed her for all the new friends she will meet and all the fun she will have. We set out a special outfit last night and packed her lunch for the big day. I felt like I had remembered every little detail to make it a great day. The one thing I forgot to consider was what I might feel like. I have been through this twice before so why even bother to consider it. Up until the last moment before she walked on to the big bus I was worried about her reaction and her feelings but the minute that bus door whooshed shut it all hit me. I gave myself to the kids completely and readily for the last eleven years. All of my teaching and care leading up to this very day. There is no turning back to chubby baby legs and preschool. I have been telling myself all summer that I was excited for the bus to arrive and the beginning of new things. I yearned for silence for so many years but when you get to the actual moment the silence is actually deafening. Emotions are such a funny thing. They are so random and uncontrollable. Predicting how you will feel in a new situation is nearly impossible so there is no way to safeguard your heart.