Powell, Ohio for Dummies

Welcome to Powell, Ohio. We are so glad that you chose our quaint little community nestled between no money and new money! A place where kids out number adults 4:1 and so do the playgrounds. We like to pay big bucks for our homes but watch out on the first day to sign up for the cheapie parks and recreation classes ! If you aren't there in the first ten minutes...YOU LOSE! People here enjoy devoting hours of time on what kinds of trees to plant in your subdivision and whether your trash can is put away within an hour of the garbage men coming. Don't consider putting up fences and don't even think about leaving your holiday lights up past January 15th. Visit our local markets but be warned if you forget your "I'm better then you" bags at the checkout you will be totally ostracized. Be sure to attempt to respect our local law enforcement. They have tons of time on their hands and like to hang out on residential streets setting up speed traps and pulling cars over for going a mile over the speed limit. They also enjoy calling people at 1am to inform them that their garage door is open. Don't think you are a good citizen by walking home after having that beer at the local pub. The police here enjoy enforcing WUI's...walking under the influence. Don't worry about finding a public phone to use just tap any child over the age of 8 on the shoulder and I am sure you can a borrow their cell. Again welcome and enjoy!

The first thing I want to do is to give a tutorial about the four very distinct types of woman that live in the area. I hope by giving some insight you can find an IN and be accepted into one of the groups.

One) Granola Hippie Chick: Skeletally thin with Birkenstocks for every day of the week. Often caught singing Kumbaya and looking rather "athletic". Smells of incense and makes special brownies to welcome you to the neighborhood.

Two) The Queen Bee: Head room mom who volunteers endlessly. Has an extensive collection of glass dolls and a house decorated in Laura Ashley florals. More then willing to host play dates and sleepovers.

Three) Holier then Thou: No gluten or additives of any kind in food for the family. Absolutely no fast food or soda. Scheduled lessons galore. Only one hour of "screen" time a day, no exceptions. Often carries a Solo cup around with something resembling cranberry juice but if you took a sip I am sure it would have a little something extra.

Four) Social Climber: Coach carrying, SUV driving, perfectly coiffed hair and nails. Always whispering about the Jones's and how to keep up. Knows the local bar menu's better then the elementary school motto.

** Please remember this is all a spoof and should be taken with a grain of salt. I certainly don't want my neighbors to come in through my open garage door and lynch me :**