My Shadow.

Shy didn't even begin to describe me as a child. I was a wispy blond thing with a personality to match. I never looked anyone in the eye and I hated to be talked to by any adults. I could never stomach constructive criticism and I certainly didn't appreciate uncertainty in anything. I found out years later that my 3rd grade teacher told my parents at conferences that I would never amount to anything much and would certainly not attend college. Luckily my parents chose not to tell me that little tidbit until 20 years later after I had completed college graduating cum laude. I spent most of my 2nd and 3rd grade years trying not to cry. People took my extreme shyness for not understanding things and my quietness for dumbness. Once at a birthday party at Farrell's I was so intimidated by the stretcher filled ice cream birthday surprise and horns, drums and loud singing I hid under the table. I physically got down on the floor and hugged my knees and hid. It wasn't even MY birthday party! I was probably around 8 at the time. Today something made me relive all these painful memories. A little incident happened to my middle daughter, Olivia, at camp. First of all Olivia could be ME at 8. She is wispy and blond and fairly unsure of herself. She cries often and this is really the first summer we have tried an all day camp with her. She is in camp with her friends and her older sister and has done fairly well until today. I arrive to pick her up and her sister informs me Olivia cried 3 times. One of the head counselors comes up and tells me Olivia was rather "emotional" today. None of this was much of a surprise but what came next when we got in the car to go home was. I was taking my two girls and two friends home. They told me how mean the counselors were to Olivia. They apparently took her aside and told her that if she didn't stop crying they would call me and that they would be mad at her the rest of the week. They MADE her play the game that she was initially crying about (because she didn't understand the directions ) and she went on to cry 3 more times because she was so worked up about the threat of them being angry at her. I was of course beside myself. I told Olivia she really needs to find other ways to express herself besides crying HOWEVER they did not act like they should have acted either. I shot off an email voicing my concerns (notice I said email because I am still not outspoken enough to call and confront directly). All this has triggered my childhood memories and how I so wanted NOT to be shy and lonely but I could not help myself. I remember desperately trying to make myself raise my hand in class or to want to talk to the girls around me during lunch. I swear to you I did not come out of my shell at all until I hit 30. I hate my DNA for repeating itself and making Olivia deal with all of these torturous issues but I do have to say in the end I feel like I am a better person. I have a lot of compassion for people with differences and I try so hard not to prejudge. I have fought hard to earn the self confidence I have and the wine helps with the rest.