Truth Be Told.

I have found myself telling my 13 year old more then once in the past few weeks that middle school doesn't really matter in the grand scheme. That she won't remember who sat at her lunch table or which girls stared sideways at her once her real life starts. That the fears and tears will melt away and won't be important. I want this to be true. I wish it could be true but I know in reality all those things really help to make us who we are. I don't remember the details of the miseries of middle school but I know there were a lot. Each one of those small things helped to make me who I am. The real truth is I appreciate some of the gruesome stuff because it made me more empathetic. I know the uncomfortable feeling of not being one of THE crowd. The one who didn't have the right shoes or the flirty attitude. The one with the zit on her chin

I survived though and I continued on to high school and college and marriage and motherhood and happiness. We all want our kid to make the team or get invited to the sleepover. We want for them what we know to be the easy way. The rough stuff makes us as parents get that pit in our stomach and the lump in our throats. It makes us remember. Sometimes it is more beneficial to deal with the rough stuff though. It makes us better people. I know it did for me. It made me an individual who can stand on my own now. As much as I want to make life easier for my kids I know that with out living through their own experiences and learning along the way they will never be the real them. Truth be told.

Note To Self:

Always be sure to check the cats mouth for mice, birds or well anything alive or formerly alive before letting him inside.

Never focus attention on one kid when all three are sitting there clambering for attention. You will end up with mucho eye rolls, tears and a migraine.

Leaving a glass of water on your nightstand right next to your cell phone and laptop is never a good idea. NEVER.

You really do learn something new every single day. Sometimes it is as small as finding a new flavor of gum and sometimes it is as big as realizing how wrong you were about something.

Starbucks really can turn a frown upside down even if it is ridiculously overpriced.

Not all people have good intentions. Sometimes they want something and will do whatever it takes to get it...over and over again.

Cute shoes are most often painful as are cute underware and sometimes even cute seven year olds.

Eating 2 bowls of Lucky Charms at 10pm makes you have dreams about little green men, rainbows and sparkling pots of gold.

Never use your teeth to try and fix the dryer-bent clasps on your favorite bra. It could end in a cut on your tongue, a scratch on your chin or worst case both.

Laziness equals 10 pair of identical denim shorts and 10 white tank tops. Buying new is easier then trying to dig through the mess of your closet.

Playing in the Puddles

Life gets complicated. Schedules and budgets. Jobs and kids. It isn't easy to just smile and enjoy much when you are trying to be a responsible adult. The stress gets extreme and we do things because we have too not because we want too. Everything becomes a chore. A to do list that has to be checked off no matter what the cost.

Maybe it is important to not always be responsible or act like an adult. When I was riding in front of my daughter on a bike the other day and we approached a big puddle I felt my jaw clench and as the water hit my legs and mud sprinkled my back I was less then happy. Well I was until I heard her behind me squealing with delight and laughing a deep belly giggle. I actually circled around and went through the water a second time. Opened my eyes wide and felt the cool sprinkle of water cool my legs. I let myself like it. I almost felt young again myself for a fleeting moment. I felt myself surrender again ,later, when I dragged myself to my tub to soak away the day and discovered brightly colored plastic "scuba" gear strewn across the bottom. Initially I wanted to be mad but instead I filled the tub and gave the goggles a try. Things were quiet under there and everything serene. Everything slow and moving at its own pace. I even sipped a cherry Icee the other day instead of my usual boring iced tea. It was like a party in my mouth that made me think of summers from years ago. Those summers when I played outside from sun up to sun down without a care in the world. Imagining without the burden of reality.

I am only weeks away from hitting that forever-forbidden-milestone-at-the-top-of-the-hill AKA: the big 4-0. Instead of feeling older I am feeling wiser. I feel like I am slowly learning to capture those simple moments..the ones that block out the chaos and slow down the clock. The moments that make life worth living.

Where is My Tiara?

I feel pretty today. It could be because I actually washed my hair and took the time to blow it dry. It could be because Chris told me that he thinks I look pretty this morning. Personally I think it is more about what is going on the inside rather than the outside though. I am really beginning to like me. It has taken practically 40 years of self doubt and body hate to get here. It has taken many tears of why me and anguished sobs of why not me too. Lots of energy spent worrying about what people think instead of what I think. What is important to me and even more specifically why I am important.

So here I am with a spring in my step and my shoulders held back (with freshly washed hair I might add). More concerned about how I pay it all forward then what people perceive about me. Focused on why I make the choices I do rather than what I get for making those choices. Not leaving room for regret because it is not worth wasting precious time on that. Consciously embedding empathy into my reactions and advice. Hopefully being the best daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend and neighbor I can possibly be.

I kind of feel like I have won a beauty pageant of sorts. OR at least first runner up. Where is my tiara??

Like a Piece of Toilet Paper Stuck to My Shoe

Now I remember what I felt like back then. Back when I took my newborn and my toddler to Target alone for the first time. Both in the cart crying and needing something different. The baby wanting to be fed or changed and the toddler wanting a snack or to use the bathroom. Me hardly holding it together with my spit up stained shirt tucked into my under ware , my hair unbrushed and a piece of toilet paper hanging off my shoe. Goldfish crackers periodically hitting me in the face as I ward off stares of women wondering what I was doing to that baby to make it cry so hard. Tossing random items into the cart but forgetting the diapers and wipes so necessary to survive. Signing the credit card slip without even bothering to look at the total and walking with clenched teeth to the parking lot where it has started to pour big wet drops. Strapping the kids in and dumping the bags in the back. Making it to the drivers seat before the tears start to come. Looking in the mirror and hearing myself gasp. Then instead of more tears a few giggles come from somewhere deep down. I realize I am doing the best I can. I am being all I can be at this very moment. No one can ask for more.

Drawing Lines in the Sandbox

I am one of those parents that believes you can't be friends with your kids while you are raising them. I just don't feel like that is part of the job description. To me when you have kids you automatically vow to teach them to be independent, responsible people with morals. This doesn't happen if you are pals. It only happens if you are the one in charge. The one who sets the rules and punishments. The one who follows through with those rules and punishments.

I never quite get it when moms are so proud when their daughters say "my mom is my very best friend." Love? Yes. Respect? For sure. Trust? I would hope so. But... friendship? No. When you start to be best buddies with your kids there is a shift of sorts. Children begin to take on the burden of knowing the kinds of details friends tell each other about their own parents. In a sense they become the parent. Their focus goes from learning to being a confidante. Letting your children be your equal backfires in a big way. They begin to issue the rules and the punishments. The power is owned by them and the parents lose that all important gentle but persuasive guiding hand they use to help raise a contributing adult.

I love my kids but I take my job very seriously. I hope some day to be friends with them. Probably might happen around the time they have kids of their own. By then my job will be done.

That Mom

This summer I will be that mom...

...who invests in noise canceling headphones that can easily be hidden under a hat

....who finds a way to remove green from three chlorine ridden blond heads

...who stocks up on water proof band aids, poison ivy cream , bug spray,sunscreen and WINE

...who serves potato chips for breakfast and ice cream for lunch

...who insists on bike helmets and seat belts but is ok with unbrushed hair and grass stained knees.

...who has room for three in How to Wash Your Own Clothes 101 **extra credit for folding and putting away

...who would rather listen to the kids fight then let them watch TV all day ((at least for the first week))

...who still gets up before the sun to enjoy a cup of tea and a few minutes alone

...who uses the hose to kill bees and get the ball out of the tree but forgets to water my plants

...who dives in the pool over and over no matter how silly I look

...who spends a half hour slathering the kids with sunscreen but ends up

with a burn.

...who makes Target and the Grocery seem really boring just so I can go alone

..who can't quite believe I will have a 2nd, 5th and 7th grader in August

..who has a calendar with big red X's counting down to the first day of school

YEP that's ME!